Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
