She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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