my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize