Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
