Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
