this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
