You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
honey bunches of taint.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
