So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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