Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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