I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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