apparently the secret to your success is patron
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
