if you like me you must not know who I am
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
