i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You took a bar mat shot.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
