Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
