Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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