Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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