Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
