just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
