Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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