I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
