using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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