Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
