Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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