ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
