Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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