I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
