am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
