Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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