So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
