I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
