your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
