two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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