Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
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We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize