nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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