I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
