tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
