My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
