im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
