I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
