the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
