I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My liver just had a heart attack.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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