i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
