So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize
