I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
