dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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