Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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