I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
