be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
