I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
