she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
