So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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