woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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