i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
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Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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