Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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