i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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