After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
